- horoscope: aries enjoy breathing air and good food
- girl: yaaaaassss bitch thats me as hell
Can I have your attention
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that’s not how your colon works
i was at jewel today and there was a magazine that claimed some new diet called the “colorado soup diet: lose 9lbs in 4 days” and was like um thats unhealthy as hell so i flipped through it and found the diet.
it was literally soup with rice seasoned with every indian spice you can imagine: cumin, coriander, mustard seeds, turmeric, ginger-garlic, red chili powder etc.
you’re supposed to eat that every time you get hungry, and i thought how do you lose 9lbs with this?
then i realized that these white women must be getting diarrhea
ah yes, the moment when you discover that “cleanse” actually means “exorbitant money/effort in order to shit yourself inside-out”
I laugh, and yet at the same time I feel really concerned for all these foolish women. Dehydration can really mess you up if it goes on too long. These stupid diets could kill somebody. It’s ridiculous that these magazines see no problem with printing them.
Yeah, this right here? This is pure, unalloyed, 24-karat bullshit.
I’ll do a post later on how your colon actually works and what it’s for and why “toxins” as discussed by this type of woo merchant are the equivalent of eighteenth-century evil spirits, but for now?
We’d like to give you more helpful tips for the cleanse described in the Women’s world article and let you know about our other natural health offerings that can help you be your lightest, most energetic, clear and vibrant self!
And by “lightest” they mean “minus whatever the net weight of the contents of your lower intestine were.” Note that they immediately slide into Flogging the Merchandise Mode.
“Colorado Diet Soup” is based on LifeSpa’s Short Home Cleanse, a cleanse I have been recommending for many years now and one that my patients love.
I bet they do.
Your Supplies: Upgrade your Benefits with Herbs! These are the 3 herbal formulas that will increase the effectiveness of your cleanse, plus easy-to-prepare cleansing food, and ghee that will make up your special cleansing diet and protocols during your Short Home Cleanse. Everything you need for this cleanse is available in our Short Home Cleanse Complete Kit.
Which retails on sale for $109.95.
The gent in charge of this going concern is not an MD, you will note. He is a DC, which means doctor of chiropractic, which in and of itself is enough to make the wise seeker-of-health nope the fuck out of there at top noping speed. After extolling the virtues of his Short Home Cleanse, which of course is just a leetle better for you than the one in the magazine which didn’t require you to buy kits, he goes on to suggest that if you’re really serious about your health you might be a candidate for the Next Level:
This Colorado Cleanse is [sic] two-week cleanse that resets the body’s natural digestive strength and ability to detoxify.
Citation needed on ‘resets,’ ‘natural digestive strength [definition needed as well],’ and ‘detoxify.’
During the 2 weeks of the Colorado Cleanse, you will do a daily practice of yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises, 12 minutes of aerobic exercise, take Ayurvedic herbal formulas that support the detox process, and eat a special kitchari cleanse diet during one of the three phases of the cleanse.
You will do some mild exercise and relaxation techniques, which are probably vaguely good for you, but you will combine them with ingesting substances that have never had to pass any sort of federal quality/safety check and are not based on any physiological evidence so much as a particular belief system. And you will shit your brains out.
Twice a year, in the transitional seasons of spring and fall, LifeSpa hosts an online cleansing event during which hundreds of cleansers from around the world come together to detox at the same time
The mind boggles. One really, really does not wish to picture this coming-together, at least not from the point of view of the poor wretches who have to clean the toilets during this event.
while supporting each other and receiving step-by-step email and webinar guidance from John Douillard.
"Buy more things from me!"
This sort of racket just…depresses me at the same time as it makes me fiercely angry. These people are throwing away perfectly good money on what is the equivalent of an America’s Next Top Model ex-lax session only with some woo and herbs thrown in. And as has been mentioned upthread, shitting your brains out is associated with dehydration, which is an actual physiological condition that can actually harm you, unlike Douillard’s magic ‘toxins.’
Just…I do so wish people would stop and think before paying quacks to do generally useless and potentially dangerous things to themselves.
and on top of all that… shitting yourself inside out doesn’t actually reduce your calorie intake. your body has already absorbed the nutrients by the time it goes through.
their soup probably doesn’t have much in the way of nutrients, which is why you lose weight eating nothing else, but if you’re going to mortify the flesh like a 14th century monk, just do the living on gruel part, don’t give yourself the shits on top of that.
pseudoscience must be stopped
look if you unironically say ‘money can’t buy happiness’ then either you’ve never faced a real financial struggle or you’ve achieved enlightenment, because goddamn does financial security feel an awful lot like happiness when it’s something you’re not used to